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I’ll tell you how I’m doing. Not well bitch.
This week’s blog we will take a look at the divas of demented drama, The Real Housewives. For over a decade, they have delighted us with their wine throws, vow renewals and product launches. The Real Housewives franchises are our modern soap operas, with the same simultaneous focus on fabulous wealth and outlandish theatrics that soap operas perfected. Housewives certainly suffers from classist, racist and misogynist rhetoric and imagery, but is also one of the only things in popular culture that focuses on the lives of older women. Moreover, it is not the romantic lives of those women that are the primary focus of the series, but rather their relationships with each other, which is fascinating and even occasionally woke.
So enough defensive foreplay- let’s get to the list. I created a master list of the Housewives who have appeared in the most episodes. This is in no way a reflection of who the best Housewives are (for example, its unequivocally true that Leah elevates this shit bitch) but was a good way to quantify their contributions. For “friends of”, I gave them half the credit of a Housewife (so for each 2 episodes they got 1 point). Enjoy the Top 25 of the list below and my favorite gifs and videos of the top 10 and selected others afterwards. You can access the whole list here:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1bK86DMJvXmYjW1vEYiVgSya2U86PmoBH5GL7SmgABao/edit#gid=563230197
- Tamra Judge (former Real Housewife of Orange County, seasons 3-14): 254 Episodes
By no means my favorite housewife, Tamra burst on to the scene in the early years of Orange County housewives and stayed on for over 10 seasons. She finally got her walking papers after the most recent season and won’t appear in the new seasons which should air soon. I most often found Tamra to be off-putting and mean rather than enjoyably catty, but she did have some great one-liners over the years, including this gem below:
2. Kandi Burruss (Real Housewive of Atlanta, Season 2-Present): 253 Episodes
Kandi, a talented singer and songwriter (she wrote No Scrubs and doesn’t want your number) has been a quiet and sensible mainstay in the Housewives of Atlanta franchise. That said, she can definitely bring the drama at times, as she did during her epic takedown of castmate Phaedra Parks during season 9:
3. Vicki Gunvalson (former Real Housewife of Orange County, Seasons 1-14): 243 Episodes
Vicki was referred to as the OG of the OC and was the longest running original castmate of the first franchise in the Real Housewife universe. We watched her children grow up, her divorce her first husband Don, and never stop talking about how hard she works selling life insurance. While Vicki’s most memorable storyline is definitely when her boyfriend faked cancer, I have a fond affinity for this wild scene where she screamed the following phrase at a cast member while on skis:
4. Cynthia Bailey (Real Housewife of Atlanta, Season 3- Present): 237 Episodes
Cynthia is one of my favorite housewives, but even I have to admit I’m surprised she’s so high on this list. While the former supermodel has always brought the looks and beauty, she has never been the most assertive or dramatic housewife. That said, she’s stayed the course and has had some amazing eye rolls and quips along the way:
5. Ramona Singer (Real Housewife of New York, Season 1- Present): 234 Episodes
Ramona Stinger. The Ramona Coaster. The Corona Singer. These are the catchphrases for our favorite Housewives monster: the longest running cast member of what many consider the Real Housewives’ best franchise: Real Housewives of New York. Ramona is mean, chaotic, endlessly selfish and unstable, but is often a wild joy to watch. My favorite Ramona moment has to be her insane catwalk during a fashion show in season 3:
6. LuAnn de Lesseps (Real Housewife of New York, Season 1-Present): 223 Episodes
LuAnn had a brief stint in season 6 as a “Friend of” but is also a still-standing original real housewife of NYC. LuAnn feels in a lot of the ways like the housewife who is the most like a soap opera character. Throughout the series we’ve seen her divorce a count, write a book on class, release several wild pop singles, get arrested for assaulting an officer and trying to escape her handcuffs, and start a touring cabaret show. You literally couldn’t make it up. There’s so many insane LuAnn moments to choose from, but my favorite was when in the huskiest hungover voice possible she told Heather Thompson to “be cool. Don’t be all like uncool.” during season 7:
7. Kyle Richards (Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Season 1-Present): 216 Episodes
Kyle is the longest running housewife of the Beverly Hills series. She is known for her splits, her hot husband, and her volatile relationship with her sisters. Kyle is another one who isn’t ever the flashiest or most dramatic housewife, but steadily plods away and stays the course. My favorite moment is way back in season 1 when she uttered these iconic words to Camille Grammar:
8. Nene Leakes (Real Housewife of Atlanta, Season 1-Present?): 215 Episodes
Nene is quite possibly the most famous person to come out of the housewife series (the other option would be Bethenny Frankel). And deservingly so: she is endlessly hilarious, dramatic and entertaining. It is unknown if she will return for Atlanta’s new season, but we will definitely see her in the pop culture universe, and in our friend’s gifs, either way. One of an endless amount of amazing and highly useful Nene gifs is this one where she mocked a castmate’s complaint about her being “so nasty and so rude” during the season 6 reunion:
9. Sonja Morgan (Real Housewife of New York, Season 3- Present): 210 Episodes
Never has there be a more uninhibited housewife than Sonja. While the current season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills revolves entirely around Denise Richards trying to deny a possible sexual relationship with another cast member, Sonja regularly prances around fully nude on Real Housewives of New York, and in a recent episode unabashedly shouted “I am NOT a trophy wife. I don’t even shave my pussy!”. She’s a crazy chaotic treasure, and I hope we never go without her.
10. Lisa Vanderpump (Former Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Season 1-9): 200 Episodes
For many years, Lisa Vanderpump was the most popular cast member of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She left the show in a bizarre blaze of drama last season when she was accused by the rest of the cast of planting stories about cast member Dorit abandoning her dog. Yep, you read that correctly. At her prime, Lisa was fabulous and playful, and I love her tagline from season 4 for its epic sense of gravitas:
There were five more videos I just NEEDED to include below. In the first, you’ll see highlights from what I think may be the best episode ever of the Real Housewives: season 8 of the Real Housewives of New York when they stayed at Dorinda’s home in the Berkshires. It’s a nonstop melee of drunken drama the likes of which Virgina Woolf could only dream of:
I also needed to include the first minute of this video from Season 11 of NYC, where LuAnn nastily critiques Tinsley’s slurring and then Bethenny completely lets loose on her, ultimately screaming the phrase “LIFE IS NOT A CABARET”.
The third video is a housewives’ classic from Real Housewives of Atlanta, where a meeting between Sheree and a man planning her birthday party somehow devolves into an epic screaming match:
This Real Housewives of Beverly Hills clip where Kim Richards returns the bunny that Lisa Rinna bought for her grandson at the reunion is the ultimate high drama for no reason.
And finally, possibly the funniest scene in Housewives history is this clip from season 3 of the INCREDIBLE series the Real Housewives of Potomac, where Gizelle and Karen’s argument is interrupted by a mime. It’s amazing.
Yesterday, the news broke that one of the all-time greats, miss CLIP herself, Dorinda will be leaving the Real Housewives of NYC next season. I will miss her and wanted to make sure to honor her here so please enjoy the tribute below:
Finally, I wanted to link to Bitch Sesh, my favorite Real Housewives Podcast from the hilarious Casey Wilson and Danielle Schneider, and to their hilarious Hulu spoof, The Real Hotwives.
Real Hotwives: click here
Until next time friends!
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